Tweek Vs The Gnomes
by Predominantly Normal
Summary: "My name is Craig Tucker. Today, I'll be reading the story on how Tweek bravely defeated the Lawn Gnomes. Tweek can't do it because at this point and time he's hiding under his desk, hyperventilating and in the fetal position." ONESHOT. CRACKFIC.


**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK.**

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"My name is Craig Tucker, and I will be telling you how Tweek bravely defeated the lawn gnomes. Tweek can't do it because at this moment and time he's under his desk, hyperventilating and in the fetal position. Thankfully, Tweek had enough brains to write the story in case he forgot how it went, or more likely got to 'pressured' and decided to hide under his desk in plain sight."

"Question?" Cartman asked. "Why the Hell is Tweek so obsessed with gnomes?"

"They stole his underwear, fatass. You saw the gnomes too. I even seen the locks on your dresser drawers." Kyle rolled his eyes.

"You Jew rat. That was supposed to be between us, remember?" Cartman hissed, "I mean, if it was true."

"Okay if I can get on with the stupid story..." Craig muttered, flipping them both off.

"I_t was a bright morning and-_"

"Why can't it have a cool setting, like a cold rainy night?" Cartman asked.

"I'm just reading it." Craig muttered.

"_Like I was saying, it was a bright morning and Tweek looked into his dresser. No underpants at all."_

"Pft- Craig looked in Tweek's drawers..."

"Gah! No he didn't! I think." Tweek fretted.

"..._ Tweek started to panic, what if he had to wear his father's undies to school? Or his mother's? That was way to embarrassing to handle. He decided (after much internal fighting) that the only way he would get his underpants back was to infiltrate the gnome lair. Tweek got dressed (besides underwear, of course) in a shirt that wouldn't button and some sweat pants. He raced out of his room and grabbed a cup of coffee before walking into the Gnome woods._"

"Gnome woods? How lame is that?" Cartman interrupted.

"Be quiet! It gets better! Gah!" Tweek said.

"... T_he woods were dark and spooky-"_

"Spooky? Pft. Who wrote this, a ten year old?" Cartman rolled his eyes.

"I -ngh- am ten!" Tweek shot back.

"If I can keep going..." Craig growled.

"Yes, yes. Go on, Craig." Mr. Garrison muttered, not quite paying attention and rather reading a rather unsavory magazine.

"..._ Tweek immediately started to freak out. What if the gnomes were watching him now? What if he was being stalked by wolves? Or snakes? Or mountain lions? He trekked forward in a hurried scuttle, every little sound making him jump. He eventually reached the tree where the gnomes did their evil bidding. It was then something occurred to him. What if he had to fight? He didn't bring anything! Especially not something that would help him decapitate a lawn gnome."_

"Tweek couldn't decapitate something if he tried." Cartman mused.

"I could too! Gah!" Tweek retorted.

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nuh-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP." Craig yelled, making the classroom go silent.

"Well, someone's on his man-period..."

"._.. Tweek suddenly had a brilliant idea. He quickly tried to smooth his hair and knocked on the door. A little gnome opened up and Tweek had to force himself not to jump out of his skin. _

"_Um... Gah! Hi! I'm, er-Mr. Tweak and um... I -ngh!- wanted to know where to put the super-secret, Gah! Plans for phase two." Tweek said in a low voice."_

"Low? Don't make me laugh. Tweek has the highest voice in this class besides the Jew rat." Cartman smirked.

"Hey!" Kyle and Tweek yelled in unison.

"I can make my voice lower!" Tweek chirped.

"Guys..." Craig prompted.

"Wow me."

"Hello, is this the coroner? I -ngh- wanted to know when Cartman's -ngh- public execution was. Gah!" Tweek said in a surprisingly low-pitched voice.

"Ay! If I'm ever on execution it'll be because my ultimate hotness is killing people. They'll have to put me in -20 degree weather just to neutralize the hotness radiation I give off."

"Radiation? Yes. Hotness? Hell no." Stan said.

"If I could just read the story..." Criag muttered.

"... Shut the Hell up, Stan. I bet Tweek wrote gay stories about you and Kyle getting together and making sweet love by the fireplace." Cartman growled.

Tweek twitched and screeched, "No I didn't! And if I did, why would they make love by a fire? Huh? What do you know? I don't write Slash, Yaoi, or Style so shut up!"

"Dude, what the heck is Style?" Cartman asked.

"The romantic pairing of Stan and Kyle! I mean, that's what I think it would be if I by any chance wrote it, which I don't!" Tweek defended himself very poorly.

"I'm not even going to try anymore." Craig sighed, flipping everyone off.

Craig ignored everyone best he could and continued on with the story.

"..."_Oh so you have phase two?" The gnome asked skeptically. _

_"Um. Yes?" Tweek replied. _

_"Okay then, follow me." The gnome said cheerfully. _

_They walked out into the death lair where the gnomes shared songs of agony and torture. There were fires everywhere and at the centre of it all was a underwear sculpture of a gnome. Evil minions walked past singing well-disguised songs about being happy, but Tweek knew it was subliminal messaging or something like that."_

"-I swear, Kyle, if you Jew me on this one I will punch you in the balls." Cartman growled.

"Try, fatass. Let's see if you can make it over here. Perhaps you can roll on your side?" Kyle goaded.

"Shut up. Just, be quiet."

"Sorry, fatass."

"Don't call me fat!"

"Why not? You sure look fat to me."

"I have big bones so I can be strong when I grow up, as opposed to you, skinny Jew boy! I bet Tweek wrote hundreds of stories where you're a skinny little emo kid with no life!" Cartman growled.

"Did not! I never wrote -ngh- anything about Kyle! Definitely not about Kyle and Stan! Or me and Craig!" Tweek yelped.

"You and Craig?" Cartman asked. "No one asked about you and Craig."

"Because I don't write it!" Tweek yelled back.

"Ugh..." Craig groaned.

"_Tweek was lead to a far room; probably the one that they tortured their human carcasses in. He pushed his way past little gnomes and was lead to a little room. Underwear piled high and in the midst, Tweek seen his own pair of tighty-whities. The little gnome smiled and abruptly left, leaving Tweek to go get his underwear in peace. Tweek pulled on his underwear and pulled a few more out that were his. The good thing about being paranoid is putting your name on everything. Tweek did that. His name was found on every piece of loose-leaf paper he owned. That's five thousand or so sheets."_

"Five thousand? That's probably where he wrights his gay love stories." Cartman sniggered.

"I do not! I don't even write, I -ngh!- draw! Writing is for computers! I mean, if I had any experience." Tweek retorted.

"What do you draw? Pictures of Kyle and Stan in their birthday suits?" Cartman smirked.

"N-No! I would never do that! And why their birthday suits? Why not just regular clothing or in a swimsuit or-"

"Dude!" Kyle cut Tweek Tweak off.

"Yeah, dude, just shut up." Stan agreed.

"... Okay then. So now we know that Tweek draws Kyle and Stan in nothing but their bathing trunks. Good to know, now on with the story." Craig muttered.

_"... Tweek grabbed as much underwear as he could stuff in his arms and took off. He could see the tiny bullets passing him as he raced out, Undies in hand. Gnomes careened after him, trying to eat him like carnivorous little demons of all that is cotton and pre-washed. Tweek raced all the way to his house with his underwear and collapsed on his bed, hugging them like lost children." _

"Creepy..." Cartman chided in a sing-song voice.

_"Finally Tweek was at home, away from the gnomes, and with enough Undergarments to last a week. He then realized something; it was Saturday. Underwear wasn't nessecary on the weekends. At least not in his books. And the gnomes were out to get him." _

Craig finished the story with an exasperated sigh, staring at the page that had taken half of their class to read.

"I am not Gay!" Kyle yelled.

"That isn't what Tweek wrote about." Cartman smirked.

"I don't write my friends as Gay lovers!" Tweek shouted.

"Sure..." Cartman replied.

Right about then, Mr. Garrison put down his magazine and sighed. "I'm sorry, Craig. I wasn't listening, can you read that story again?"

Craig flipped him off and walked out of the classroom, off to Gnome woods to find some underwear.

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**I understand if you are like 0.o right now. This story was just a spur of the moment one-shot to do at 11:00. Review for a pair of your underpants back!**


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